My name is Gugulethu Nkosi.
My wife and I completed our customary marriage celebration back in June 2014.
Ahead of the lobola negotiations I remember the uncertainty of not knowing what to expect and what was expected of me. I created this guide for all the men out there who wish to honour their partners, make them proud and bring pride to their families.
For simplicity and the purposes of this article, I will assume male-female couple, meaning, I shall refer to ‘you’ or ‘him’ as the male partner, son and groom interchangebly. And I shall refer to ‘her’ as the female partner, daughter and bride interchangeably.
Meaning of Lobola
Lobola or lobolo (or mahadi in Sotho, magadi in Sepedi and Tswana) is a marriage tradition that has been a culture for centuries in South Africa and African countries.
It is referred to in English as ‘bride price’ and involves a negotiation and payment in cash or in kind by the family of the groom to the family of the bride to show appreciation to her family for raising the daughter who will bear his heirs and to symbolise the union between the two families.
In earlier times cattle were often used as payment. In the South Africa of today cash is accepted. The payment is thought of as a symbol of the union between the families.
Courting and dating, precede the lobola process as well as the traditional ceremonies.
Courting and Dating
Once you reach a point where you believe that she’s marriage material and the both of you are ready to marry, you need to introduce her to your family.
Based on culture, she needs to have a relationship with your parents, siblings, cousins, uncles,… any family member who’s close to you. A marriage to you is a marriage into the whole family. Also remember, your lobola delegation will need to identify her during the negotiations.
According to culture, this step carries a lot of importance because you need to observe her behaviour in order to tell whether, if one day you’re not around, will she be able to take care of your children and your family.
The next step: Delivering a letter to arrange for lobola talks
When the both of you are ready for the next step towards your marriage, you’re now ready to begin the lobola process. The groom needs to arrange to write and for a delegate to deliver a letter stating the groom’s family request to meet with the bride’s family to negotiate lobola.
Speak to your partner or a trusted member of the bride’s family to arrange a date (and maybe also a suitable time) when the letter can be delivered. This arrangement can be communicated verbally or using any convenient means.
Whoever you speak to will also be able to let you know where the letter can be delivered. Culture dictates that the groom’s family can’t just rock up unexpected to deliver the letter. The bride’s family must know that there’s someone coming.
The Lobola Letter
The groom’s family has to write the letter with a purpose to request to meet with the bride’s family. Write the letter with an overarching tone showing respect and great submission. For the purposes of this article, I shall refer to this letter as the ‘lobola letter’.
I did write a lobola letter example as per the below link which is downloadable as a pdf document at a small fee to cover the costs of running this website and spreading cultural education to communities and families in South Africa.
This is a letter in Zulu from Ndlovu family to the Zungu family stating the purpose of the letter, requesting to meet and suggesting dates to do so.
If you find value on this website and believe that we need a good online resource for all things culture related (including how to write and edit your own lobola letter), according to our different tribes, please support the cause by buying the lobola letter template.
What is the acceptable format for the lobola negotiations letter?
Ideally, (and this is first prize), the letter should be hand written in its entirety. But ultimately must have some sort of pen writing on it. ie, if it’s typed, there should be a signature in pen to sign off for the sender’s family.
Who must write the lobola letter?
The letter must be signed off as being from the groom’s family. Ideally it should be signed by one of the main delegates who will ultimately attend the negotiations on the groom’s behalf.
However unless her family consists of hardened forensic investigators, they won’t know exactly who wrote and signed the letter.
Who representing the groom’s family must deliver the lobola letter?
Ideally the groom will arrange a delegate who will form part of the entourage that will ultimately attend the lobola negotiations on your behalf. If not, at least family member. If you’re still struggling to get any of these, as a last resort, get a respectable, male figure to represent your family. Whatever you do, do not deliver it yourself! And in most cases it’s safer for the person who is delivering to be male.
What must the person delivering the lobola letter wear?
Formal clothing and must include a jacket.
This entire process must be about showing respect by both families towards each other. And the jacket for males is critical symbol of that respect.
How will the bride’s family respond to the request in the lobola letter?
Traditionally in South Africa, the bride’s family will also write a formal letter to respond. Their letter stating their response will either accept the date or suggest another one. Their letter is then handed over to the delegate who delivers the lobola letter.
In today’s world with jam-packed schedules and the difficulties of aligning calendars, it does happen that families can
accept the lobola letter,
take a few days to align calendars with their delegation and
give an electronic response back to the person who delivered the letter.
In this case, the person who delivered the lobola letter should also provide their contact details (address/phone no./email address) so that the bride’s delegation can reach him.
Brides Family Reply Letter example
Days leading up to the Lobola negotiations
Bride price: In ancient times, the bride would have little to no influence in the negotiations. But that was when lobola used to have no monetary values. But because now there’s money involved, meaning, some families demand unreasonable amounts from the groom, she may now be in a position to try to influence the lobola price that her family wants to charge.
Speak to her so she can plead your case covertly, in the event there are financial constraints. She may also be able to give you an indication of what to expect.
Organise your delegates: Discuss within your family. Lobola delegates should be uncles but can be aunts and older brothers, cousins and extended family. Historically your father would not involved but it is acceptable these days. Your mom is not involved. The groom (son) is not part of the delegation.
Don’t forget the cash: The groom pays. Make sure your money is available ahead of time and usually cash is insisted upon, rather than an EFT.
The day of the Lobola negotiations
Vuligate (translated: gate opener)
The lobola ceremony begins with the delegates approaching the gate and calling out the family name of the house they are visiting.
Based on culture, they would call out all the clan names of the bride’s family but nowadays, calling out the surname is accepted. It’s the bride that normally helps with the clan names should they be required.
When the bride’s delegation feels that enough has been said, they will approach the gate.
The groom’s delegation will then place money at the gate, and with respect keep increasing it up until the bride’s delegation is happy that the offering is worthy enough of opening the gate and letting the groom’s delegation come in.
Vulamlomo (translated: mouth opener)
The groom’s delegation will be led into the house. In order for the bride’s delegation to speak they will need another offering.
This is usually a bottle of brandy or whiskey. The symbolism is that the bride’s family’s throat’s will need to be dampened in order for them to speak to you. In the absence of a bottle of alcohol, one could also offer money to begin conversations.
The flower that brought you there
Once throats are dampened, the bride’s family will begin talking. They will usually start by asking who your delegates are and why they are there.
Your delegates will respond by saying that their son has seen a flower in the brides family home which caught his interest and that’s what brought them there. Their ‘daughter’ is being referred to as the flower.
The bride family will then bring out and parade their ‘daughter’ as well as the daughter’s sisters or cousins. The groom’s family will then need to identify the flower that brought them there. It won’t be too easy, they will be dressed in clothes covering most of their bodies. The symbolism behind this part of the ritual is that the his family should know their makoti.
Should they choose the wrong flower, they will have to pay damages (known as inhlawulo). Damages is in the form of money.
Once the correct bride has been identified, she will then exit the room and the talks about money will begin.
The Lobola negotiations
Commonly the language used will refer to cows. The bride’s family will usually start off by establishing the cost of a cow. It can range anywhere from R5k – R10k per cow.
There must be a cow for the father, a cow for the mother and a cow skin to cover the bride. If her parents are no longer alive, the cows are symbolically offered to their representatives.
Reach an agreement (the actual bride price)
Lobola prices in South Africa follow a wide range amongst the cultures and can range anywhere but usually falls into between R20k – R100k. Hyperventilate if you need to, but get over it. Marriage to your future wife is worth it.
PS Trust the online lobola calculator at your own risk.
The payment of lobola
Due to modern city and town living, families tend not to prefer actual cows but rather cash.
Paying lobola is done over two separate days in most cultures. Normally a third to two-thirds of the lobola money will be left with the bride’s family on the first visit. The groom’s family delegation will then arrange a second visit to come back and settle the rest of the lobola payment. You don’t need a letter to arrange the date of the final payment.
In most cultures on the second and final payment date, the will be exchange of gifts. Gifts usually comprise blankets, hats and walking sticks. The blankets will be for each and every person who had a hand in the upbringing of the bride. Your bride or her family’s delegates will communicate with details, should that be an expectation.
It is customary not to pay lobola completely. What the groom pays can be short R10 or a R100. The symbolism is so that the groom will always be indebted to the parents of the bride he chose to marry. This saves face for the brides family in case they need help or anything else from the groom’s household in future. Appreciation never ends. But don’t worry, tradition dictates that you’ll still be considered married.
What is Lobola Agreement Letter?
It is common practice for the groom’s family members to put it in writing on what the agreed lobola bride price was and how much was paid at each stage. This would then be signed by the delegates of the two families. It serves the purpose of supporting and formalisation of the customary law marriage and comes in handy should there be possible discussions in future regarding refunds.
Agreement letter example coming soon
The Lobola celebration day
Following a successful negotiation, a lobola celebration usually ensues.
Many couples don’t reach this point and get married. Therefore savour the moment. It’s your special day. And let the party begin!
This is a tradition characterised by ululating and dancing and the traditional ceremonies of handing over of the bride to her new family. The lobola ceremony is now complete.
A great many customary marriages are sealed at this point. And you’re potentially saved a trip to home affairs to register your marriage. The resultant celebration can be kept small to the delegates and family but can also be as big as the families want it to be.
He can be in the groom’s traditional attire if he wants. She can be in makoti lobola attire if she wants. Look your best on the day you marry.
Last word on the Lobola price
Paying lobola is a culture meant to be a form of showing appreciation to the bride’s parents for raising their daughter. Her values were the single most important attribute when negotiating what the lobola (bride price) would be.
It is unfortunate that in today’s era, some families of the bride view lobola as a business transaction with an intention of making as much money as possible from the negotiation. Her education, career position or salary commonly form the basis used to justify high lobola amounts. But that is mistaken.
At the end of the day, it is up to you as the groom to be happy that your bride is worth it… enough for you and your close family to be potentially subjected to a form of gamesmanship, abuse and borderline embezzlement. Because if you honestly love your future wife, whatever her family charges you, you will feel as though it’s not enough.
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